Living With Arrows
When I was a child, I never wanted to get old. Now that I’m close to forty, I would never want to be a child. The definition of life must include irony.
As a student of God and His creation, I have read many books on the subject of people. We are a strange creation to say the least. Each of us is made up of so much more than flesh and bones. Even our temperaments and personalities are made up of many levels. There is no person who is exactly like another person. And don’t give me the twin argument; I am a twin. My brother and I are a lot alike, and we are a lot unlike.
This past year I have had the privilege of being tutored in the area of leadership by an amazing couple of coaches. They have taught me so much more than I ever knew about the way people communicate and process information. Some of us attach everything to everything else. These are the ones who have a hard time letting go of past hurts and disappointments. Others of us completely detach everything from everything else. These are the ones who don’t understand why others can’t just “let it go and get on with life.”
Isn’t it true that life can be very cruel? Not all of us experience the same form or measure of cruelty as others, but all of us know the feeling of being hurt. As believers, we are instructed to forgive and love others as we would have them love us. What if that was actually easy? What if we could all detach ourselves from the pain of the past? What if every painful experience was like a bruise; it showed up, hurt for a while, and finally went away without a trace of its existence ever to be seen again?
The ancient sages taught that hurting others could be likened to a sword or an arrow. Some things that we say and do are like swords which are thrust into another, and then are pulled back out. Other hurtful actions and words are like arrows; once they are in, they are in for good; the damage is permanent and can never be taken back. The person whom we have hurt may live, but they will never live without the hurt we have given them.
We have all experienced the swords of others. We have all experienced the pain and hurt from those we love that we have forgiven and forgotten. Many of us, if not all of us, have also experienced permanent damage that we live with every day. We never forget, but like one writer so wisely said, “We have figured out a way to build a bridge over the pain so that we can cope. It’s always there, but we don’t have to constantly walk in it” (my paraphrase).
When I was about ten-years-old, I kept tattling on one of my brother’s. My dad got so tired of us not getting along that he gave me his belt and told me to spank my brother. It took me years to get over the guilt of that experience.
Sometimes it’s not the pain we receive but the pain we deliver that is the most difficult to forget.
Grace and peace,
Johnny
© 2007 Jonathan P. Gainey and Flock’s Diner.
All Rights Reserved
August 14th, 2007 at 8:27 am
Great post!!!
August 19th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
>>Some of us attach everything to everything else. These are the ones who have a hard time letting go of past hurts and disappointments. Others of us completely detach everything from everything else. These are the ones who don’t understand why others can’t just “let it go and get on with life.”
I’m fascinated by that concept…. Can you expand?
August 19th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
Hey Walker,
I would love it if I could teach this as well as the Sexton Group (my leadership coaching group).
Basically, some people have the ability to keep everything separate from everything else, while others connect everything.
Think of the people who come to work angry because of something that happened at home, while there are others who have horrific problems in their lives for years and no one is ever aware. Those who connect everything have difficulty not being frustrated with the kids when their spouse has upset them, while others can have an all out war with their spouse and no one except his or her spouse realizes that anything is wrong.
This is a key concept in understanding how to communicate with people.
For example, I received an email from someone who was very negative and critical of an idea that I have. That same person sent another email immediately after the first, asking me how my family was doing. I connect everything, so, I was offended that this person would disrespect me, and then expect me to confide in him/her. Others would be able to completely separate the two emails and respond with two completely different frames of mind.
Blessings,
Johnny